IM A FATHER,HUSBAND,MUSICIAN,AND IF GOD WILLING,A MINISTER OF HIS WORD.BUT FIRST LET ME TELL A LITTLE ABOUT WHAT BROUGHT ME TO THIS POINT IN MY LIFE...LIFE FOR ME HAD ALWAYS BEEN A SOLO PROJECT. GROWING UP AS MAN OF THE HOUSE, AFTER MY FATHER WENT TO PRISON FOR MURDER, I QUICKLY LEARNED TO ADAPT AND FEND FOR MYSELF. IF ANYTHING GOOD OR BAD HAPPENED IN MY LIFE FROM THAT POINT, IT WAS GONNA BE CAUSE I MADE IT HAPPEN. PLUCKED FROM MY COMFORTABLE SURROUNDINGS IN EAST TEXAS AFTER THE TRIAL,WE RELOCATED TO VALLEJO,CA. TO ESCAPE THE MEDIA BLITZ & SCRUTINY TO BEGIN A NEW LIFE. CALI WAS A SHOCK FOR US ALL. DRUGS,GANGS,MURDER,AND RANDOM VIOLENCE PLAGUED THE STREETS OF THE BAY AREA.BUT YET I MANAGED TO BOTTLE UP EVERYTHING BOTHERING ME AND POUR IT INTO MUSIC. I PLAYED SAX IN BAND AND EVEN MARCHED IN DRUM & BUGLE CORPS. THEY WERE POSITIVE INFLUENCES THAT KEPT ME OUT THE TRAPS OF THE STREETS IN CALI'..FOR THE MOST PART. I SAY CONSTANTLY THAT MUSIC SAVED MY LIFE,BUT IT WOULDNT BE UNTIL YEARS LATER THAT I REALIZED IT WAS ACTUALLY GOD WHO HAD DONE THAT BY PLACING THE "GIFT' OF MUSIC AND SONG IN MY PATH. I WOULD NOT TRULY KNOW HIS PLAN WITH IT ALL UNTIL YEARS LATER.YEARS PASSED AND I SLOWLY STARTED TO UNRAVEL WHEN IT CAME TO HOLDING IN EVERYTHING THAT BOTHERED ME INSIDE.I HAD BEEN THRU HELL AND BACK GROWING UP AND FELT VERY CONFIDENT OF MY ABILITY TO "HANDLE THINGS". BUT I WAS SIMPLY LYING TO MYSELF,SECRETLY MASKING PAIN WITH THE LURE OF WOMEN,DRUGS,AND MOST DEFINETLY ALCOHOL. I LIVED THE ROCKSTAR LIFE IN MY HEAD LONG BEFORE I FOUND MY VOICE AS A SINGER.A PATTERN I KNEW ALL TOO WELL GROWING UP TAGGING ALONG TO AA MEETINGS WITH MY FATHER. BUT SINCE I HAD DONE EVERYTHING "SOLO" ,THESE COPING MECHANISMS WERE ALL I KNEW. THEY WERE MY VICE,MY COUNSELOR,AND MY BEST FRIEND WHEN ALL OTHERS FAILED ME. BUT IN RETROSPECT,I HAD ONLY FAILED MYSELF.. I HAD CRIED OUT TO GOD ON MANY OCCASION,BUT ONLY AS A CONVENIENCE WHEN I WAS AT A LOW POINT. AS SOON AS I WAS BETTER INSIDE,I WAS BACK TO HANDLING THINGS "MY WAY". I BELIEVED IN GOD BUT HAD NEVER TRULY GIVEN MYSELF AND OR FELT HIM "TAKE ME OVER' AS I HAD HEARD FROM BELIEVERS IN THE PAST. SO I JUST FIGURED IT WASNT FOR ME OR I HAD DONE TOO MUCH TO RECIEVE SOME OF THAT LOVE. BESIDES I HAD BEEN DOING OK ON MY OWN SO FAR...RIGHT? DID I REALLY NEED ANYONE ELSE TO HELP ME?
I WAS GOING THRU A DIVORCE AND MISSED MY CHILDREN SO MUCH IT BURNED INSIDE. FOR SOMEONE WHO EMBRACED BEING SOLO..IT WAS NOW THE THING I WANTED LEAST. SO AFTER A NIGHT OF DRINKING,DEPRESSION AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE I TOOK, I PLACED MY PISTOL IN MY MOUTH . THINKING I HAD PUT MORE BULLETS IN THE GUN THAN I ACTUALLY DID,I BEGAN TO PULL THE TRIGGER. CLICK ! CLICK ! CLICK!....NOTHING? I BEGAN TO CRY AND THINK "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IDIOT?".."THIS IS NOT YOU, YA KNOW BETTER" I ONCE AGAIN FOUND GOD WHEN IT WAS CONVENIENT TO ME AND ASKED HIM TO GIVE ME HELP AND SHOW ME HE'S REAL. AT THAT POINT MY DAUGHTER WHOM I HADNT HEARD FROM IN SOME TIME..CALLED MY PHONE. THAT WAS ENOUGH FOR ME,I SOLD MY GUN THE NEXT DAY BECAUSE IN A WEAK MOMENT OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL , I ALMOST RUINED MORE THAN ONE LIFE. UNFORTUNATLY MY 'SELF MEDICATION" CONTINUED & NOBODY WOULD KNOW OF MY NEAR ACT OF DESPERATION FOR ALMOST TEN YEARS . ONCE AGAIN MUSIC ENTERED MY LIFE AND ALL SEEMED IN ORDER . I HAD FOUND A VOICE AND CRAVED THE PRAISE AND APPLAUSE THAT I RECIEVED WHEN I WOULD HIT A STAGE AND BELT OUT A SONG. "MUSIC" NOT GOD HAD ONCE AGAIN SAVED ME SO I THOUGHT. WITH THAT ENVIROMENT OF COURSE, COMES CONSTANT ACCESS TO ALL THE THINGS THAT I DEPENDED ON WHEN I WAS "DOING IT ON MY OWN". I BLAMED DRUGS ON MY NEAR MISTAKE WITH MY GUN, SO I ABSOLUTLY WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. I WAS AN ABUSER OF DRUGS, NOT AN ADDICT, SO IT WAS EASY TO WALK AWAY FOR ME. BUT THERE WAS STILL WOMEN AND BOOZE AND I HAD NO PROBLEM "USING" BOTH. RELATIONSHIPS NEVER SEEMED TO WORK OUT FOR ME. I KNOW NOW I DID NOT HAVE THE TOOLS TO WORK ALONG SIDE SOMEONE ELSE. IF SOMETHING WAS NOT TO MY LIKING OR DIDNT MAKE ME HAPPY,IT JUST HAD TO GO. WALKING AWAY AND STARTING OVER WAS EASY. THE CONSTANT LURE OF EASY BOOZE AND EASIER WOMEN WAS A BAD COMBINATION. I WAS LOVED AND PRAISED,BUT WOULD WAKE UP IN THE MORNING HATING MYSELF FOR CHASING THE SAME PATH OF SIN AND DEBAUCHERY THAT HAD RUINED MY FATHERS LIFE. WORKING AS AN EMT I KNEW BETTER,BUT I DIDNT HESITATE TO JUMP BEHIND THE WHEEL TO GET HOME IF I DIDNT MEET A "FRIEND' THAT NIGHT. I KNEW IF I DIDNT STOP I WOULD EITHER BE DEAD FROM ALCOHOL OR ROT AWAY ALONE FROM MY SINFUL ENDEVOURS WITH WOMEN.
I ALMOST DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE THE LIFE. I HAD TONS OF "FRIENDS" WHO LOVED MY MUSIC,WOMEN CAME EASY,AND I WAS THE MAN...AT LEAST I THOUGHT I WAS. MUSIC..OR AT LEAST THE SCENE I WAS IN, WAS NOW BRINGING ME DOWN.I FELT THAT IF I DIDNT HAVE IT MY LIFE EVERYDAY THEN I HAD NOTHING. I DID NOT LIKE BEING ALONE WHATSOEVER. THE "LIFE" WAS ALL I KNEW AND I DIDNT WANT TO LOSE IT. AND I WAS ONLY O LOCAL ROCKER TRYING TO FIND SUCCESS. IMAGINE WHAT THE "BIG TIME" WOULD HAVE DONE TO ME? MY BAND IN MY EYES, WAS BEGINNING TO UNRAVEL. WE BEGAN TO GO IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS BOTH IN LIFE AND MUSIC.I WOULD CRITIZE THEM FOR THEIR PARTYING AND LACK OF FOCUS WHEN IT CAME TO THE MUSIC I HAD DEDICATED SO MUCH OF MY HEART AND TIME TO. LOOKING BACK I WAS UPSET THAT WE HAD LOST FOCUS OF THE MUSIC,PLUS ONCE THE PARTY STOPPED...SO DID THE SMILE I WOULD HAVE ON MY FACE. REAL LIFE WASNT FUN FOR ME AT ALL.
GOD LOVES TO MAKE US THINK FOR OURSELVES. HE PLACED MY OLD GIRLFRIEND JOLEAN FROM CALI, BACK IN MY LIFE. SHE TOO WAS AT A CROSSROADS IN HER LIFE. SHE WAS RAISNG 3 BOYS ON HER OWN WHILE TAKING CARE OF HER DYING FATHER. SHE WAS ALSO SURROUNDED BY LESS THAN POSITIVE INFLUENCES & OTHER ASSORTED VULTURES. SOMEHOW WE WERE PUT BACK TOGETHER TO SAVE ONE ANOTHERS LIFE. WE WERE SOON MARRIED AND I RELOCATED THE FAMILY TO TEXAS FROM ARKANSAS,FOLLOWING HER FATHERS DEATH. THE TRANSITION FROM 'LOCAL WANNABE ROCKSTAR' TO INSTANT FAMILY WAS A TOUGH ONE,BUT WORTH IT. NOW I HAD SOMEONE TO SHARE MY OWN MISERY WITH. YET WE WERE NOT COMPLETE.WHAT WAS MISSING FOR US?] [ONE NIGHT I HAD A DREAM THAT I WAS TELLING THIS SAME STORY TO A GROUP OF YOUNG PEOPLE. AFTERWARDS I BEGAN TO PRAY AND A BAND BEHIND ME BEGAN TO ROCK OUT! I WAS A YOUTH MINISTER OR SOMETHING I THOUGHT...IT FELT GOOD TO BE SINGING ABOUT SOMETHING SO GREAT. BUT HOW WOULD I GET THERE? I HAD NO CLUE. I PARTED WAYS WITH MY BAND IN DECEMBER 2009 FOR VARIOUS MUSICAL AND PROFESSIONAL DIFFERENCES. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALMOST 5 YEARS I DIDNT FEEL OBLIGATED TO ANYONE OR ANYTHING IN THE "SCENE". IT WAS JUST ME AND MY WIFE & FAMILY. I FELT THAT IT WASNT IN GODS PLAN FOR ME TO GO ANY FURTHER WITH THE MUSIC I WAS MAKING. WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE? I JAMMED WITH SOME AREA MUSICIANS FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS WITH NOTHING EVER REALLY PANNING OUT. THEN ONE DAY THE WORD "PROPHET" POPPED IN MY HEAD...I COULDNT SHAKE IT. I LIKED THE WAY IT ROLLED OF MY TONGUE AND SOUNDED WHEN I SAID IT. POTENTIAL BAND NAME ? I EVEN LOOKED UP ITS MEANING..] ["...a prophet is seen as a person who is selected by, and speaks as a formal representative of God, and the intention of the message is always to effect a social change to conform to God's desired standards.." WOW! THAT WAS MY DREAM IN A NUTSHELL ! NO WONDER MY MUSICAL ENDEVOURS HADNT BORE ANY FRUIT...IT WASNT WHAT GOD WANTED ME TO DO. HE WANTED ME TO SPEAK FOR HIM THRU MUSIC! BUT WHY ME? I ONLY SPOKE TO HIM WHEN I NEED SOMETHING. BUT NOW HE WAS SPEAKING BECAUSE HE WANTED SOMETHING FROM ME..] [I WONDERED THOUGH...IM A TATTOOED ROCKER,I DONT WANT TO BE STARED AT OR JUDGED AT CHURCH.I KNEW THE REALITIES OF THE WORLD, NOT ALL CHURCHES AND CHRISTIANS FOLLOW GODS PATH AS THEY SHOULD. HOW WAS I TO DECIDE WHERE TO EXPOSE MY PAIN AND OPEN MYSELF TO THE LORD WITHOUT JUDGEMENT FROM ANYONE EXCEPT GOD?
BEING A LOVER OF ALL MUSIC, I BRIEFLY HEARD OF BRIAN "HEAD" WELCH LEAVING KORN A FEW YEARS BACK AND BECOMING A CHRISTIAN, BUT NEVER PAID MUCH ATTENTION TO IT. I WASNT REALLY TOO BIG OF A FAN OF THE BAND.I CHALKED IT UP AS JUST ANOTHER CELEBRITY FINDING GOD WHEN IT WAS CONVENIENT. I PAID NO MIND TO IT ALL UNTIL I BEGAN SEARCHING MY OWN HEART AND RAN ACROSS HIS STORY ONLINE. I HAD NEVER BEEN SO MOVED HEARING SOMEONES ACCOUNT OF GOD TOUCHING THEIR LIFE.I SAID TO MYSELF "MAN,GOD SAVED THIS DUDES LIFE FOR REAL...THIS GUY IS ISNT BLOWING SMOKE" . THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT MY OWN ACTIONS AFFECTING MY DAUGHTERS ,AS WELL AS MY NEW FAMILY THAT NOW DEPENDED ON ME FOR GUIDANCE, I SLOWLY BEGAN TO FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE. I SAID TO MYSELF 'YOU HAVE FOUGHT HARD TO MAINTAIN A LIFE DOING ALL THE THINGS THE DEVIL WANTS YOU TO...WHY DO RESIST GOD SO MUCH?' BECAUSE A LIFE WITH DEVIL WAS EASY,HE WAS THE GUY I PARTIED WITH...I DIDNT DEPEND ON HIM. I WAS STILL "SOLO" AS I HAD BEEN FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE. I HAD NO CLUE HOW TO OPEN UP AND DEPEND ON SOMEONE ELSE. I BEGAN TO READ AS MUCH AS I COULD ONLINE ABOUT GOD AND A LIFE WITH HIM. AS I LEARNED MORE,ALL THE CRAP AT WORK,HOME AND IN MY MARRAIGE BEGAN TO WASH AWAY. ALL THE STRESS AND ANIMOSITY IN MY HEART BEGAN TO DISAPPEAR. I WAS LIKE "MY CURIOSITY ABOUT GOD HAS DONE THIS MUCH SO FAR...WONDER WHAT A LIFE WITH GOD WOULD DO" AS I READ ON I LEARNED OF A LOCAL PASTOR AND HIS CHURCH THAT HAD ONLY RECENTLY COME TO LIFE. I WAS ACTUALLY EXCITED TO ATTEND AS I COUNTED DOWN THE DAYS UNTIL SUNDAY.MY WIFE SAW A NEW LIGHT IN ME AND IT INSTANTLY CHANGED THINGS IN OUR HOME. WHAT WAS DARK AND CLOUDING MY JUDGEMENT WAS NOW CLEAR AND SHINE THROUGH EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE..AND I HADNT ACCEPTED NOTHING OR EVEN BEEN TO CHURCH YET!
I FIND OUT SHORTLY AFTER THAT THIS BRIAN "HEAD" WELCH GUY IS COMING TO SPEAK ALSO...I COULD NOT IGNORE THE SIGNALS ANY LONGER. GOD HAD INDEED PLACED THESE THINGS IN MY LIFE IN AN EFFORT TO SHOW ME HE WAS THERE AND DIDNT CARE HOW I LIVED MY PAST BUT WAS MORE CONCERNED WITH HOW I WAS GOING TO LIVE MY FUTURE.] [SO SUNDAY CAME AND I WAS ON CLOUD NINE UNTIL THE PASTOR BEGAN TO SPEAK. GOD WAS USING MY THOUGHTS AGAIN AND HE WAS MAKING THIS PASTOR SPEAK DIRECTLY TO ME! HE PLANNED HIS SURMON TO MY SITUATION I THOUGHT..FREAKY. I WEPT THAT DAY AT CHURCH FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN I KNEW HE MEANT EVERY WORD HE SAID TO ME AND I COULDNT HOLD THINGS IN ANY LONGER. THE SECOND WEEK THE SAME THING HAPPENED! I SAID ENOUGH! I SURRENDER LORD.I DONT KNOW WHY I RUN FROM YOU,BUT I KNOW WHY I NEED TO RUN TO YOU....I AM YOURS. AND ON THAT DAY ,APRIL 11TH, 2010...I ACCEPTED THE LORD IN MY LIFE NEVER LOOKING BACK ON WHAT WAS...I KNOW GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME. AS I HOPE IT INVOLVES MUSIC ,I WILL ACCEPT WHATEVER ROLE HE HAS PLANNED IN ME AND MY FAMILIES LIFE. I HAD INITIALLY BEGAN TYPING THIS AS A SHORT BIO ,BUT I COULDNT STOP TYPING FOR SOME REASON. MY HEART HAD SOMETHING TO SAY AND I HOPE IT HELPS SOMEONE REALIZE AS I HAVE. GOD IS REAL AND HE WILL REVEAL HIMSELF WHEN HE KNOWS THE TIME IS RIGHT...MAY YOU ALL ONE DAY FEEL THE LOVE OF GOD I HAVE COME TO EMBRACE
|
